> Oldie but goodie...
>
> 1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."
>
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
> stick something nasty in right away:
> I got a good woman?with the meanest face in town.
>
> 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
> I got a good woman?with the meanest face in town.
> I got a good woman?with the meanest face in town.
> She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.
>
> 4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch,
> you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
> 5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other
> acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and
> southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
> lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
> BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
> even in the running.
>
> 6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't
> fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get
> the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.
>
> 7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
> Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just
> depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St.
> Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that
> don't get rain.
>
> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
> male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the
> blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled
> over on it is.
>
> 9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige,
> mauve (unless you're truly desperate for a rhyme).
>
> 9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
> lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
> by the dumpster.
>
> 10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an
> empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the
> Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf
> courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.
>
> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
> you happen to be an old black man?and it's an old black suit.
>
> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
> Answer "Yes" if:
> a. your first name is a southern state?like Georgia
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis.
> d. you can't be satisfied.
> e. you're older than dirt
> Answer "No" if:
> a. you once were blind but now can see.
> b. you're deaf
> c. the man in Memphis lived.
> d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
> e. you have all your teeth
> f. you were once blind but now can see
>
> 13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods
> cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got
> a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will
> never sing the Blues.
>
> 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the
> Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy
> water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks,
> kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or
> Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous
> blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy
> Bar-b- que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues
> food is never:
> Club sandwich, Sushi, or Cr?me brule.
>
> 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
> death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So
> is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in
> an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction
> or from tennis elbow.
>
> 16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma,
> Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues
> singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie.
> Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth,
> Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no
> matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>
> 17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
> a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
> Asthmatic) b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit
> (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last name of a U. S. president
> (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
> etc.)
> Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay,
> maybe not "Kiwi"...)
>
> 18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you
> cannot sing the Blues.
> You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or
> shotgun.
> Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care
>
> 19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most
> folks singin' the
> Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues...
> the three R's stand
> for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.
>
> 20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight.
> Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.
>
> 21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at
> authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.
>
> 22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this
> morning"

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